My footing is solid.

Jolie,
The fact that I have been lied to again concerning you and your whereabouts does not deter me. In fact, it only has once again served to harden my resolve to rescue you even more. Your welfare is my concern and your mothers' using you as a pawn in her game to jerk me around is not something I am surprised by. I just know that it was like this from the beginning and nothing has changed regarding that. So here I am again, praying day and night as ever I am told to do, thanking God for you and above all else remembering to be grateful that you came into my life. I am not worried about what will happen in the future. I have seen it already. I have a promise from Him, and I am holding on to it. I can't be sad, why should I be? Just because you are not here? I admit, it does hurt me when I am lied to by your mother, but I will not let that dictate my reality. I did that before and it made me miserable. I was left alone by her and it set me on fire with anger and bewilderment. Now I know I was looking at life all wrong. What you are worth is way more than the energy I spent feeling sorry for myself during the fallout of that failed relationship.
So now I am still planning our future, just biding my time and  knowing in my heart what you are feeling. It is the same thing I feel at times. I'm not happy that you don't understand why I am not with you when you remember me and wonder where I am: those moments hurt immensely and it is at these times I waver. Yet I steel myself, pray, and regain my footing. I always, always see your face in my mind's eye and say the same thing to you every time; you're my firework. I'm just waiting on Independence day.
I love you Jolie.
Daddy 

Anticipation.

Jolie,
     Hearing your voice today was the fulfillment of a dream that I have nurtured for a long time now. My excitement gave way to wonder as you started telling me things that had recently happened in your life. You are so smart! As we chatted I could tell you were ready to see me again, and I can't hardly contain myself until you arrive. Your mothers' sudden need for me to have you for the summer is a gift I did not think twice about accepting. Nor will I try to decipher why; though I think I know the mitigating factor behind this opportunity.
 I'll just take it at face value, pray some more, and keep my fingers crossed until Friday evening which is your scheduled arrival time. Having you here with me is the most important thing right now. As for Niki, her presence is not an issue; her and I are stuck to each other like glue. I know she is anticipating meeting you with a happy heart and a hug and a smile. As for me, I am already planning our time together, because I know that you will have to go back to your mother too soon.
 So what I am focused on is getting you here, and making the most out of the short time we have together. Going to the park will be a daily occurrence, since you love that. I probably better keep the ice cream treats to a minimum, though. There are a bunch of children that are neighbors here so there will be plenty of kids for you to make friends with. I will always be with you in case you get tired or want to go home.
 Thinking about all these things and making all these plans for you gives me comfort. Big changes have been made in my life and I have only just started on this path. Every day I say a prayer of thanks to God when I awaken, and before I go to sleep; it is part of my routine now. You are the catalyst that set me on this journey Jolie, and I thank God every day for you and Niki.
 In two more days I will be seeing you, and this circle of love will be completed.
 I love you, Jolie.
 Daddy

Here comes the sun.

Jolie,
Today is going to be one of those days that I will talk about for years to come. I say that simply because I know in my heart I am on the right path. Lately there have been signs everywhere I look that point to you. I have been praying  that this moment would come, and I can now see it looming on the horizon. You and I have always been close, both emotionally and spiritually, and now I see and feel your physical presence getting stronger which means only one thing: your presence in my life is Restored. It's only a matter of time now, and I have patience.
 My faith has been buoyed by your Love and that Love is what kept me going during my darkest times. When you get here we are going to heal together, you and I and Niki.
 Niki is important to me in the same way that you are. I said before that you would like her because you two are a lot alike. One way you are alike, the most important way, is in the way you love. It is unconditional, without restraint, and comes from the same place I get my strength and refill my jar of hope.
You are a piece of the puzzle that is me, Jolie, and so is Niki. Our lives together will be watched with awe and admiration as we fulfill our purpose: to love and be loved in return. Love is going to heal us and I can't wait for that day to come.
 Something very special and sacred has happened here, and I know the day is very close when you, I and Niki will take each other's hands and walk right into the Gates of Heaven, leading the way for many others like us to follow. The happiness I feel right now is so strong, I know you will feel it and understand. I can't hardly wait to hold you again.
 I love you, Jolie.
 Daddy

Faith unshaken.

Jolie,
As you probably know I didn't get to talk to you on the phone at eleven when it was planned. I called but there was no answer. I called again but no one picked up so I left a message. I'm not going to let this get me down, even though it hurts me immensely to be deprived of your beautiful soul. I know that God answers prayers and I am praying every time you cross my mind to be reunited with you. I don't doubt for a second that it will happen. My resolve to be reunited with you increases with every ignored phone call and every time I text and do not get an answer it only serves to make me more determined. How could someone I married be so unfeeling is a question I have often pondered. Your mother must be a very unhappy person, because only miserable people seek to cause other people misery. It is a hard thing for me to do, but I have begun to add her in when I pray at night, just before I sleep. It's nearly impossible to do, but I am doing it. Not because I want her back; on the contrary. I have found someone now that complements me in so many different ways that it is eerie. You would love her because she is a lot like you. I'll tell you more about that later.
 Don't let me get sidetracked. I pray for your mother because I know it is the right thing to do.  I pray for you that you will remain safe from harm. I pray about a lot of things, but mainly I just am thankful for all the positivity that has come into my life as of late. You are included in that. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am grateful for it. I will fight, kick, scratch, claw, love, hug, pray; whatever God tells me to do until you are in my arms once more. We will be reunited, Jolie, that is a promise from God through me to you. So take heart and believe.
 I love you, Jolie.
Daddy

The turn of the tide?

 Jolie,
I'm supposed to call today and get an opportunity to talk to you. After months of silence; ignored phone calls and unanswered text messages, I'll take it. So I am very excited and up early in anticipation. I am not sure what caused this sudden reversal, or even if it is a reversal, and at the moment I don't care. I just hope and pray that  your mother follows through and keeps her word. I won't allow negativity to breed here, mainly because I know you might one day read this. I hope you feel as good as I do right now when you wake up today. The sound of your voice is better than any heavenly music.
 The picture of you that is on my desk is of you asleep, wrapped in swaddling blankets at the hospital; a newborn. I love this picture but I wish I had a more recent one; of you and I together. Am I wishing on a star? The answer to that is a very firm 'no'. Its my right to be with you, and I want it back. There is only one way that will happen: persistence and unyielding resolve. I've got both in spades. I will never give up this fight until I am holding you once again. You're mine; I'm yours and that is that. No one will ever change that. Im looking forward to hearing your voice today.
 I love you, Jolie.
 Daddy

My mistakes

Jolie,
There are some things that you should know about how I got to this point. I am sure by the time you read this blog I am creating that you will have heard many stories from many different people. I just hope you will be willing to listen to mine. I will tell you face to face when you are old enough to understand my version of events.
For now let's just stick to the basics. Your mother and I are not together for a few very good reasons. I loved her as much as I love you, but I was forced to kill the love I had for her. The relationship your mother and I had was not good for me at all, yet that is only part of the reason why we split up. One big problem we had  is our mentalities are on two extremely different, opposing levels. She claims to be a hardcore red neck; I am far from that. Most people would pigeonhole me as an intellectual because I read prolifically and do a lot of different types of writing. Your mother even said to me once that one reason she was attracted to me was because I was so different from what she had known all her life.
That sentiment obviously went out the window somewhere along the line, along with her fidelity, what little communication we shared, and respect for me. I tried my best, everything I knew to stop the leak, but the figurative drip became a literal tidal wave and before I knew what had hit me I got swamped.
 I did many things I wish now I had thought about with a bit more common sense, small things, yet things that made a difference here and there. I can't take back yesterday, so my new plan is to learn from the past and do the best I can, and make a permanent change for the better, for you and I. That includes enrolling myself in college in order to get a degree so that I can be better equipped to provide for you and also to make myself into a better role model; someone you can proudly point to and say "That's my Daddy right there".
I love you Jolie. 
Daddy

My first post.

This blog is going to be an open, running letter to my daughter. Before I begin some explaining is in order. I was married once (only once) to a woman that I was very much in love with. Never mind how much I loved her or the details of that relationship right now; there is no doubt in my mind  these facts will come out later in this blog. Right now I am just trying to find my feet.
 The reason why I am starting this blog is because Father's Day is coming up and that will be the first anniversary of the last time I saw her beautiful face. So I am coming up on a year, a whole year that I have been (illegally) denied access to my child.
 You might ask why is that? The answer will come out soon enough. Right now I just want to use this forum to express what I am not allowed to tell my daughter, Jolie. I am just going to try to start simple, keep it simple, and somewhere along the way I hope to find answers. Right now she is three; on November 7th she will be four. At this writing I am 41 yrs. young and growing.
So here goes: I am going to start this the only way I know how.




Jolie, I love you. More than anything, even my own life. Not being able to see you, play with you, or hear your voice say 'Daddy' is a pain that makes me lose my mind sometimes. Yet I know I must never give up, and I never will. You are worth it. You are my child; my daughter, and I will never let you go, I will never let you fade away. I was standing there in the hospital room when your mother birthed you; I cut the umbilical cord that attached you to her. So that made you mine in my eyes.
We were like peas and carrots; no one could come between us. Yet now I am reduced to writing you a love note. I can still see in my mind's eye how you were dependent and helpless. You made me feel like a giant. I loved that feeling. You were the most important person in my life then and you still are now.I kept a journal but it got ruined. I hope cyberspace is around long enough for you to read these notes. I am going to stop here, for now. I think its enough for the moment.
I love you.
Daddy